So, I'm going on 2 months of employment and was just hired on full time. Ed asked last night if I was still planning on trying to stay in the apartment and I said yes. Next he asked how soon he could get the lease switched over to me. I pointed out that it will put me in jeopardy of losing the place altogether since my income is so low compared to the rent and then I asked him why he wanted his name off the lease so badly. He had no answer.
Today I got the lease application in my email. We'll see how this goes... The rent is $1050. My income, assuming a full 40hrs/wk is $2650/month. So, I certainly don't qualify under the requirements spelled out on the app of income must be over 3x rent.
It sucks that there's no dialog between Ed and I over this, but it isn't surprising. I think that's the central issue in our marriage. I felt bad for my complaints and dramatic moments at first, but the longer I think about it the more convinced I become that I'm pretty normal. The complete lack of any feedback whatsoever from Ed's side of the issue was what killed us. I never heard any complaints from him until he said we were done. I had no chance to see his side and change my behavior or seek ways to save whatever it was that I thought we had. That's freaking sad.
Am I bitter? Yes. Although I've tried hard not to be. I may have threatened to leave, but I never seriously considered it. I feel bad for saying those things now, but at the time I was trying to get some sort of a sense that he didn't want it to end because I wasn't feeling anything coming from him. I was trying to provoke a sense that he had a feeling about us one way or the other. Anything other than his silent head nodding, chuckles, or complete lack of attention. In the end I guess there was nothing. I wonder at what point he knew -while we were planning the wedding, while standing at the alter, before I decided to switch careers, before moving to California?
And I have to say up front that I don't regret my career change in the slightest. I'm quite happy with what I'm doing now, but it angers me when I think of how we talked about the reduced income before I made the decision to go back to school. We decided together we could take the income hit. Now it's only ME taking the hit. I'm left to try to survive on my own on half the income I was making before. I hope I can do it. All my dreams are within reach right here, right now. -I have a job I love, and my volunteering which I'm super proud of and is so fulfilling!
So, what if the lease gets denied? My choices are to find a cheaper place which seems very difficult or impossible if I am to keep the dogs and not live in a place where gunfire is commonplace, or I move back to Chicago, probably in with my Mom for who knows how long until I can afford an apartment out there. My research seems to suggest that the cost of rent and my income will go down about the same amount, meaning I'll be just as unable to support myself out there as I will here. So, 37 years old and living with Mom. Awesome. And I get no hint that Ed understands the inequity of the situation at all. Afterall, he'll be left with his 6 figure income and life will just roll on for him with even fewer expenses.
But I can't let myself go too far down that road ...I'm hoping that something will work out. I'm willing to live on ramen to have the life that I've worked so hard to get lined up for myself. This is an unexpected hardship, for sure, but I'm willing to work soo hard for this and I was floored at the help I got from the people around me while I was looking for a job -now I know that I have those resources in my corner as well. So, I'm holding on to some sort of cosmic fate (which I so often laughed at in the past) that goodness will triumph. That hard work and passion will see me through. ...gag me, I know, but it's all I have to try outweigh the months worth of anger, frustration, and doubt being thrown at me from the left side of my brain... :-(
Friday, January 04, 2013
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