Be careful with your credit card payments! I got a letter in the mail from Discover the other day (it looked unassuming, like most of their advertisements) that said I "triggered the variable Default ANNUAL PERCENTAGE RATE" and my rate was being raised to "Prime + 21.49%"!
I called right away since their customer service is open 24x7 and found out that the cause of the change was the fact that I was 3 days late with 1 payment! The girl looked at my 7 year account history and saw that this was an isolated incident and very quickly reversed the interest rate increase as well as crediting back a $39 fee for me, but still -it's obvious they were hoping I'd never open that letter and they could start charging me 30% interest on any new purchases I make. Shady. Makes me that much more motivated to kick the credit card habit!
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Friday, October 02, 2009
Friday, July 20, 2007
Advice on Loosing Weight
In high school I was about 140lbs (chunky considering I'm only 5' 3" or so). Then in college I hung out with some pretty active guys, so I lost some weight by trying to keep up with them. I was about 125 when college was over and we all went our separate ways. Over the next year or two I probably gained about 5 pounds back. Then, in 1999-2000 I gained a lot of weight and maxxed out at 150lbs. I couldn't believe I got that bad. Over the next year or so I got back down to about 125 again, then gained 5lbs of that back fairly quickly. For the last 5 years or so I've slowly crept up from 130 to 135, but I was happy with that. But, over the last year 135 has turned into 139.6lbs as of this past Monday. Uncool.
So, it's time to take care of this before it gets way out of hand. I've signed up on a weight/calorie tracking website and yesterday I stumbled upon their "Community" (forum). Wow there's a lot of misconceptions about weight loss floating around that place!
The one thing that trips everyone is that "there must be a better way". There's not. You figure out how many calories it takes to get you through a normal day, subtract 500 from that number, and that's your goal intake for an average day for as long as you are on your diet. If you want to eat more than that, you have 2 choices: make it up with exercise, or make it up by eating less the day before or after (longer than that and you're like to "forget"). That's it.
"But, I want ice cream"
Fine. Have your ice cream. I'd suggest buying it in a single-serving size at the grocery store, though. That way you'll know that you got the serving size right and the package should tell you how many calories you've consumed. A calorie of ice cream is no different than a calorie of cauliflower, you don't have to feel bad about eating it at all. In fact, you're more likely to stick to a diet if you can work in your favorite foods. Don't fall into the cabbage and rice diet fads. Calories in - calories out. That's all that matters.
"I hate exercising"
Than don't. You'll have to eat less and your fitness level won't improve as much, but you will still loose weight.
"I bought a machine built by NASA that exercises for me"
Riiiight...
"No really, I do curls while on it and my arms are toned now!"
You do arm exercises while in a vibrating contraption and you believe that it was the contraption and not the exercises that toned your arms. Ok... I think you got scammed and don't want to admit you wasted your money.
"Is there a pill?"
Yes, and the instructions say that it must be used along with a sensible diet. Do you think it's the pill that's causing the weight loss or the diet? Save your money, you don't need the pills. Take a vitamin instead, that's what many of them are anyway.
"What about Ephedrine?"
Do you want to risk a heart attack or stroke to loose weight at a slightly higher rate?
"If you go under 1200 calories a day you won't loose weight"
What??? This "starvation mode" stuff has been taken far too seriously. Sure, research shows that the body MIGHT slow it's metabolism some to get our ancestors past periods of famine, but is there a magic number that you shouldn't go below? No. If it's true (and it's still being debated), then it most likely happens as soon as you eat fewer calories than you spend in a day, and it's a sliding scale from there on out as you reduce intake vs expenditure. -It takes 1600 calories for me to get through a day, subtract 500 and that means 1100 calories a day will lead to the recommended goal of 1lb lost a week. But OH NOES!!! that's below the 1200 calorie cutoff. Come on people! Ooh, look at me violating your rule and still loosing weight. I'm not anorexic, I'm short. Leave me alone!
"But you have to eat more to weigh less"
People will believe anything as long as it allows them to eat more. Don't fall for it. As long as you are being reasonable don't worry about "starvation mode". One exception -eating 100 - 200 calories more for a couple days might help a plateau, but that's as far as I'm willing to trust this bit of nonsense.
"Is (insert diet program here) worthwhile?"
No. You know what they'll do? They'll weigh you, log your weight, sell you overpriced meals and a "plan" that has "fewer calories in than out" as a base (masked as "points" or whatever's popular this year), and then they'll have meetings where they pat you on your back for loosing a pound this month. A bathroom scale is what? $10? You can count calories on your own. If you need the pat on the back, try joining a forum or group online.
"What about the Atkins / South Beach Diet"
These programs are just another clever way to reduce calories. Meat really doesn't have that many calories, even the greasiest of stuff. Plus, it fills you up quicker and lasts longer than carbs do, so you eat less overall. It works, but it's not healthy. Calories in, calories out.
"At what weight will I be a size 6?"
Depends on the manufacturer. They're all increasing the actual measurements of their sizes, though, so it's just a poor measurement all around. If your goal is a size, why not just make that "Size 10" into a "Size 1" by crossing out the "0". There... does that feel better? No? Oh, well try paying attention to measurements that matter.
...of course, there's un-funny topics too. Teens and adults with identity disorders, people binging then asking how to exercise off the 3000 extra calories they just ate.
In the end, though, we're all in the same boat. Being overweight stinks. Loosing it is hard. The hardest part is not allowing yourself to believe that there's an easy way out. Walking around a store is not exercise. Giving blood does not make up for a donut, typing for 8 hours doesn't qualify as an "active lifestyle", and drinking a gallon of water a day's not going to help either.
Here's what does help:
So, it's time to take care of this before it gets way out of hand. I've signed up on a weight/calorie tracking website and yesterday I stumbled upon their "Community" (forum). Wow there's a lot of misconceptions about weight loss floating around that place!
The one thing that trips everyone is that "there must be a better way". There's not. You figure out how many calories it takes to get you through a normal day, subtract 500 from that number, and that's your goal intake for an average day for as long as you are on your diet. If you want to eat more than that, you have 2 choices: make it up with exercise, or make it up by eating less the day before or after (longer than that and you're like to "forget"). That's it.
"But, I want ice cream"
Fine. Have your ice cream. I'd suggest buying it in a single-serving size at the grocery store, though. That way you'll know that you got the serving size right and the package should tell you how many calories you've consumed. A calorie of ice cream is no different than a calorie of cauliflower, you don't have to feel bad about eating it at all. In fact, you're more likely to stick to a diet if you can work in your favorite foods. Don't fall into the cabbage and rice diet fads. Calories in - calories out. That's all that matters.
"I hate exercising"
Than don't. You'll have to eat less and your fitness level won't improve as much, but you will still loose weight.
"I bought a machine built by NASA that exercises for me"
Riiiight...
"No really, I do curls while on it and my arms are toned now!"
You do arm exercises while in a vibrating contraption and you believe that it was the contraption and not the exercises that toned your arms. Ok... I think you got scammed and don't want to admit you wasted your money.
"Is there a pill?"
Yes, and the instructions say that it must be used along with a sensible diet. Do you think it's the pill that's causing the weight loss or the diet? Save your money, you don't need the pills. Take a vitamin instead, that's what many of them are anyway.
"What about Ephedrine?"
Do you want to risk a heart attack or stroke to loose weight at a slightly higher rate?
"If you go under 1200 calories a day you won't loose weight"
What??? This "starvation mode" stuff has been taken far too seriously. Sure, research shows that the body MIGHT slow it's metabolism some to get our ancestors past periods of famine, but is there a magic number that you shouldn't go below? No. If it's true (and it's still being debated), then it most likely happens as soon as you eat fewer calories than you spend in a day, and it's a sliding scale from there on out as you reduce intake vs expenditure. -It takes 1600 calories for me to get through a day, subtract 500 and that means 1100 calories a day will lead to the recommended goal of 1lb lost a week. But OH NOES!!! that's below the 1200 calorie cutoff. Come on people! Ooh, look at me violating your rule and still loosing weight. I'm not anorexic, I'm short. Leave me alone!
"But you have to eat more to weigh less"
People will believe anything as long as it allows them to eat more. Don't fall for it. As long as you are being reasonable don't worry about "starvation mode". One exception -eating 100 - 200 calories more for a couple days might help a plateau, but that's as far as I'm willing to trust this bit of nonsense.
"Is (insert diet program here) worthwhile?"
No. You know what they'll do? They'll weigh you, log your weight, sell you overpriced meals and a "plan" that has "fewer calories in than out" as a base (masked as "points" or whatever's popular this year), and then they'll have meetings where they pat you on your back for loosing a pound this month. A bathroom scale is what? $10? You can count calories on your own. If you need the pat on the back, try joining a forum or group online.
"What about the Atkins / South Beach Diet"
These programs are just another clever way to reduce calories. Meat really doesn't have that many calories, even the greasiest of stuff. Plus, it fills you up quicker and lasts longer than carbs do, so you eat less overall. It works, but it's not healthy. Calories in, calories out.
"At what weight will I be a size 6?"
Depends on the manufacturer. They're all increasing the actual measurements of their sizes, though, so it's just a poor measurement all around. If your goal is a size, why not just make that "Size 10" into a "Size 1" by crossing out the "0". There... does that feel better? No? Oh, well try paying attention to measurements that matter.
...of course, there's un-funny topics too. Teens and adults with identity disorders, people binging then asking how to exercise off the 3000 extra calories they just ate.
In the end, though, we're all in the same boat. Being overweight stinks. Loosing it is hard. The hardest part is not allowing yourself to believe that there's an easy way out. Walking around a store is not exercise. Giving blood does not make up for a donut, typing for 8 hours doesn't qualify as an "active lifestyle", and drinking a gallon of water a day's not going to help either.
Here's what does help:
- Track your calorie intake and weight daily. There are many websites to help you with this.
- If you are a "snacker", snack. Those 100 calorie snack packs are awesome -you can't trick yourself into eating more than you should that way.
- If you eat out, check online for nutrition info at chain restaurants you go to and plan what you'll order before you're sitting infront of the menu with all those pictures of nachos and stuff.
- Stop drinking stuff with sugar in it. There are many alternatives, you will get used to the taste of diet pop if you choose that route and don't worry about nutrasweet -the corn syrup they use to sweeten pop with in the US is just as bad.
- If you're hungry, 100 calories of meat, cheese, or something with a lot of fiber will fill you up longer than carbs will.
- Trick yourself into exercising by finding some activity you enjoy that gets you off the couch at least once a week -hike, bike, play a sport, take brisk walks with your dog or kids, whatever. Even just flying a kite, playing with your kids at the park, dancing to music while you fold laundry will help!
- Don't go to buffet restaurants.
- Avoid Mexican -those chips are too tempting!
- When you order something that comes with fries in a restaurant ask to substitute veggies or cole slaw -don't allow yourself to be tempted!
- 2 slices of a medium pepperoni pizza with hand-tossed crust at Pizza Hut (and most places)
- Pasta and marinara sauce (most places, but you have to avoid the bread etc before the meal)
- A cheeseburger and small fries at McDonalds
- The grilled chicken sandwich and small fries at Wendy's
- A grilled chicken sandwich (alone) at most other restaurants (don't eat the fries!)
- A burrito bowl with rice, black beans, and corn salsa at Chipotle (you can add lettuce if you want, but not much more than that -this is actually more like 800 calories already!)
- A Jr Whopper, and small fry at Burger King
- 2 White Castles and a small fry
Friday, May 18, 2007
Motivation, improvement, and the making of "You crack me up".
(click on the photo to view it on my Flickr page where larger sizes are available)
There's a growing number of people subscribing to the thought that having a goal of taking and posting a photo a day to your web gallery can help your photography improve by leaps and bounds. I tend to be a person who drives past photo opportunities because I don't like stopping the car, or I don't pull out the camera because I only have a half hour until I have to do something. So, I thought I needed the little extra motivation that a "photo a day" goal would give me.
So, last night was to be "Day 2", but Ed and I got back from dinner late and we only had an hour before we were supposed to be in bed, so I thought "Great, I failed "photo-a-day" on Day 2"! ...I started getting ready for my shower while thinking of something photo-worthy that I could either get quickly tonight or at least get a photo for tomorrow. Several things crossed my mind, but nothing good until...
While washing my hair, I looked up at the cracking paint on the ceiling of our bathroom. The stupid guys who flipped our house used cheap paint in the bathroom and the steam from the shower has it coming off in sheets. Blah. I hate painting. Seeing it cracking and peeling cheeses me off. Showers used to be my little retreat, a place where I could relax, but that paint and the future work it symbolizes stresses me out every time I take a shower. But this time I smiled...
A few weeks ago I noticed this heart-shaped patch of bare ceiling where the paint was peeled completely off. What was frustrating before, though, had become really interesting now. -I had my photo op! -I quickly finished my shower so I could grab my camera.
I only took about 8 photos because I was running out of space on my memory card and didn't have time to go through and delete stuff. (I'm really militant about getting my 8 hours of sleep!) But, I framed it 4 different ways and exposed it a couple different ways for each to ensure I'd get a good shot. Then, I went to bed.
When I got to work, I downloaded the photos and they were a little "blah". -I couldn't get the balance right between getting the paint a warm white-ish tone, but leaving the ceiling (the inside of the heart) warm like the incandescent lighting made it look. I played and played with it, but in the end I had to make 2 layers in Gimp and use the erase tool where I wanted the warmer color to appear. -It took me about 4 hours in software playing with it before I got a result I was happy enough with to upload.
In the end, I love the photo. The lesson learned is that it doesn't take a lot of time to take a good photo or a magnificent place to find a good opportunity. Just keep your eyes open, and having a goal of a photo a day can be a helpful way of motivating yourself to take more photos, which many suggest will speed up your learning curve by a lot!
So, last night was to be "Day 2", but Ed and I got back from dinner late and we only had an hour before we were supposed to be in bed, so I thought "Great, I failed "photo-a-day" on Day 2"! ...I started getting ready for my shower while thinking of something photo-worthy that I could either get quickly tonight or at least get a photo for tomorrow. Several things crossed my mind, but nothing good until...
While washing my hair, I looked up at the cracking paint on the ceiling of our bathroom. The stupid guys who flipped our house used cheap paint in the bathroom and the steam from the shower has it coming off in sheets. Blah. I hate painting. Seeing it cracking and peeling cheeses me off. Showers used to be my little retreat, a place where I could relax, but that paint and the future work it symbolizes stresses me out every time I take a shower. But this time I smiled...
A few weeks ago I noticed this heart-shaped patch of bare ceiling where the paint was peeled completely off. What was frustrating before, though, had become really interesting now. -I had my photo op! -I quickly finished my shower so I could grab my camera.
I only took about 8 photos because I was running out of space on my memory card and didn't have time to go through and delete stuff. (I'm really militant about getting my 8 hours of sleep!) But, I framed it 4 different ways and exposed it a couple different ways for each to ensure I'd get a good shot. Then, I went to bed.
When I got to work, I downloaded the photos and they were a little "blah". -I couldn't get the balance right between getting the paint a warm white-ish tone, but leaving the ceiling (the inside of the heart) warm like the incandescent lighting made it look. I played and played with it, but in the end I had to make 2 layers in Gimp and use the erase tool where I wanted the warmer color to appear. -It took me about 4 hours in software playing with it before I got a result I was happy enough with to upload.
In the end, I love the photo. The lesson learned is that it doesn't take a lot of time to take a good photo or a magnificent place to find a good opportunity. Just keep your eyes open, and having a goal of a photo a day can be a helpful way of motivating yourself to take more photos, which many suggest will speed up your learning curve by a lot!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Don't drink the Apple (TM) juice!
When I first started out in digital photography I found image editing software like Photoshop, Gimp, and even Photoshop Elements really confusing. The multiple windows, and the way the tools worked were all very foreign to me since the only previous experience I had with trying to make art on a computer was Microsoft Paint.
Luckily, I found Paint.NET, which has an intuitive interface that closely resembles Microsoft Paint. It's easy enough for your Mom to use, yet has support for layers, levels, curves, etc. It's a great way to start out in image editing!
Once I figured out layers and started wishing I had a little more control over my image (at that time Paint.NET didn't have user-controlable levels/curves), I moved up to Gimp. Gimp is a free advanced image editing program that, after reviewing Photoshop CS2, I can say is very Photoshop-like. The only downside to Gimp is that it works in 8-bit color while Photoshop has some tools that will work in 16-bit. Those extra bits are important when using tools like curves and levels, an explanation of color depth is available here.
I've recently run into situations where I'd like to stretch a color or brighten/darken a photo a little more than Gimp would allow (the image gets cartoon-y looking if you stretch it too far). Using a program that could work in 16-bit color would allow a little more room, so I posted a description of what I was looking for and the question "do I need Photoshop?" to two different Yahoogroups that I belong to.
The response, overwhelmingly was that yes, I'd need Photoshop. If not now, eventually. But one person suggested I do my levels/curves processing in Canon's Digital Photo Pro (DPP) software (it came free with my Canon 30D) since it works in 16-bit, then do the rest of the editing/minor tweaks in Gimp afterwards. This option saves me $650 (the cost of Photoshop) and I still get the functionality I'm looking for! Which leads me to ask: does anyone NEED photoshop?
I think the majority of people assume that serious photographers will end up buying Photoshop eventually. I mean, the act of tweaking a photo in software is called "Photoshopping"! But, I've also found that many people who own Photoshop never put it to its full use. Before dropping that $650 (or putting yourself at risk by running a "borrowed" copy), try Gimp. -It's free, afterall, so you have nothing to lose. When/if you outgrow Gimp (and know WHY you need to upgrade), THEN buy Photoshop. -The transition between the two is relatively easy (tools may be in a different place, but icons are similar and they retain the same names/do the same things). Heck, in the meantime you may be able to skip a version of Photoshop and save yourself a $300 upgrade...
Luckily, I found Paint.NET, which has an intuitive interface that closely resembles Microsoft Paint. It's easy enough for your Mom to use, yet has support for layers, levels, curves, etc. It's a great way to start out in image editing!
Once I figured out layers and started wishing I had a little more control over my image (at that time Paint.NET didn't have user-controlable levels/curves), I moved up to Gimp. Gimp is a free advanced image editing program that, after reviewing Photoshop CS2, I can say is very Photoshop-like. The only downside to Gimp is that it works in 8-bit color while Photoshop has some tools that will work in 16-bit. Those extra bits are important when using tools like curves and levels, an explanation of color depth is available here.
I've recently run into situations where I'd like to stretch a color or brighten/darken a photo a little more than Gimp would allow (the image gets cartoon-y looking if you stretch it too far). Using a program that could work in 16-bit color would allow a little more room, so I posted a description of what I was looking for and the question "do I need Photoshop?" to two different Yahoogroups that I belong to.
The response, overwhelmingly was that yes, I'd need Photoshop. If not now, eventually. But one person suggested I do my levels/curves processing in Canon's Digital Photo Pro (DPP) software (it came free with my Canon 30D) since it works in 16-bit, then do the rest of the editing/minor tweaks in Gimp afterwards. This option saves me $650 (the cost of Photoshop) and I still get the functionality I'm looking for! Which leads me to ask: does anyone NEED photoshop?
I think the majority of people assume that serious photographers will end up buying Photoshop eventually. I mean, the act of tweaking a photo in software is called "Photoshopping"! But, I've also found that many people who own Photoshop never put it to its full use. Before dropping that $650 (or putting yourself at risk by running a "borrowed" copy), try Gimp. -It's free, afterall, so you have nothing to lose. When/if you outgrow Gimp (and know WHY you need to upgrade), THEN buy Photoshop. -The transition between the two is relatively easy (tools may be in a different place, but icons are similar and they retain the same names/do the same things). Heck, in the meantime you may be able to skip a version of Photoshop and save yourself a $300 upgrade...
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Right and Wrong
We, as a society are often lead to believe that the world is filled with "either, or's".
Good or bad.
Right or wrong.
Black or white.
With us or against us.
Republican or Democrat.
The reality, however, is that the world is full of grey.
Lesson #1: Learn to recognize propaganda.
It's all around you and not always as obvious as the billboards and signs put up by special interest groups. Propaganda is spread through the media, speeches made by government officials, through churches, in popular music, tv programs (including "reality shows"), etc. It comes at us from all directions along with advertisements and other things that we don't take in any more deeply than your average advertisement, yet just like we tend to pick up the brand named laundry detergent in the store, those other messages effect us as well. Consider the source of any information you get and check the statistics yourself. A quick goggle search is usually all it takes. Then, check out the arguments on the other side of the debate to make sure you have all the information before you declare your position on a topic. If you find you don't agree 100% with either side, that's good, it means you're a real person and not a "follower" (aka "mindless drone").
Lesson #2: We all have bias, learn yours and keep it in check.
There's no shame in having positions, but make sure that YOU have THEM, and not the other way around. I'm very opinionated, but I recognize that since I don't believe in a god, I tend to favor reading, watching, or listening to things that are critical of religion. At first I chose this material because it entertained me, then I realized it was strengthening my bias against religion to the point where I went beyond logic and began actively hating the church -wanting to attack it in some way, show people their God was false, discount the church's position in society, etc. -That's going too far. It's important to realize when that happens, then you need to pull yourself back, and start seeking media geared towards the other side of the debate. It probably won't change your mind, but it'll help you see that those on the other side believe in their opinions as strongly as you do. If you don't take time to listen and consider their ideas, how can you expect them to do the same with your arguments and viewpoints?
Lesson #3: Before taking any action, make sure you'll still feel good about it tomorrow.
It's easy to get worked up by the topic of the day, but if you intend to take it one step further by joining a campaign or otherwise working for a cause (including publicly advertising your opinion via T-shirts, bumper stickers, etc) make sure you know where you stand on the topic and think of it in a broader sense. -Is it really what's best for the whole country? What if you (or your child) were in the minority (or the adversary)-would you feel that the change you're fighting for would still be considered fair? -Lots of people believed that slavery was moral and that black people didn't deserve equal rights all the way up until the 1960's when the last of the laws allowing segregation of public facilities and marriage were abolished. If you were fighting to keep segregation then, you'd be embarrassed about it today. Is the topic of today the next big embarrassment of tomorrow?
Which side are you on?
Good or bad.
Right or wrong.
Black or white.
With us or against us.
Republican or Democrat.
The reality, however, is that the world is full of grey.
Lesson #1: Learn to recognize propaganda.
It's all around you and not always as obvious as the billboards and signs put up by special interest groups. Propaganda is spread through the media, speeches made by government officials, through churches, in popular music, tv programs (including "reality shows"), etc. It comes at us from all directions along with advertisements and other things that we don't take in any more deeply than your average advertisement, yet just like we tend to pick up the brand named laundry detergent in the store, those other messages effect us as well. Consider the source of any information you get and check the statistics yourself. A quick goggle search is usually all it takes. Then, check out the arguments on the other side of the debate to make sure you have all the information before you declare your position on a topic. If you find you don't agree 100% with either side, that's good, it means you're a real person and not a "follower" (aka "mindless drone").
Lesson #2: We all have bias, learn yours and keep it in check.
There's no shame in having positions, but make sure that YOU have THEM, and not the other way around. I'm very opinionated, but I recognize that since I don't believe in a god, I tend to favor reading, watching, or listening to things that are critical of religion. At first I chose this material because it entertained me, then I realized it was strengthening my bias against religion to the point where I went beyond logic and began actively hating the church -wanting to attack it in some way, show people their God was false, discount the church's position in society, etc. -That's going too far. It's important to realize when that happens, then you need to pull yourself back, and start seeking media geared towards the other side of the debate. It probably won't change your mind, but it'll help you see that those on the other side believe in their opinions as strongly as you do. If you don't take time to listen and consider their ideas, how can you expect them to do the same with your arguments and viewpoints?
Lesson #3: Before taking any action, make sure you'll still feel good about it tomorrow.
It's easy to get worked up by the topic of the day, but if you intend to take it one step further by joining a campaign or otherwise working for a cause (including publicly advertising your opinion via T-shirts, bumper stickers, etc) make sure you know where you stand on the topic and think of it in a broader sense. -Is it really what's best for the whole country? What if you (or your child) were in the minority (or the adversary)-would you feel that the change you're fighting for would still be considered fair? -Lots of people believed that slavery was moral and that black people didn't deserve equal rights all the way up until the 1960's when the last of the laws allowing segregation of public facilities and marriage were abolished. If you were fighting to keep segregation then, you'd be embarrassed about it today. Is the topic of today the next big embarrassment of tomorrow?
Which side are you on?
Friday, September 09, 2005
Expectations hold you back
The following is good advice for anyone going through crisis...
It could be a spouse's illness that eclipses your lifelong dream of all that you'd do when you retired together. Or, it could come much earlier when your spouse hands you divorce papers unexpectedly and the dream of raising a family together has to be given up because one of you has changed their mind. And life changing events happen outside of relationships too, of course. It can even be a positive change like winning the lottery that leads to plan changes -good or bad. We've all heard stories of the demise of lottery winners.
How many times have you muttered the words "you never know what tomorrow might bring", but do you actually live that way? The majority of us go to work each day dreaming of the weekend, the next vacation, retirement. But, there's no guarantee that the weekend will come or that you'll be able to enjoy it. The frustrating part is that we often can't really "live each day as if it were our last" because the reality is that we must work for the money to provide both our basic needs, our comforts, recreation, etc.
So what do we do? Well, finding work that you love would be the ideal, but I'm still working on this. In the meantime the plan is not to plan too far ahead; make the best out your free time and when adversity comes along, accept it. In fact, plan on it. The alternative makes us blind to reality and causes us to miss things while we sort out where our plan went wrong -while we ponder "why me?"
An example -The other day on my way to work traffic was much worse than usual. We all crept along until we saw the flashing lights ahead and everyone in the left lane knew they had to merge right to get around the mess ahead. I put on my turn signal and looked in the rearview mirror in preparation to merge and saw the guy in the right lane (behind me) speed up to block my way. I was close to the end of my lane, so I had to continue slowly edging into the lane, forcing him to slow down or get hit. When I got into the right lane I looked behind me and saw the man punch his dashboard and shake his fist, screaming at me and (I assume) the traffic, the fact that he was going to be late for work, etc. -Then we passed the accident. I looked over at a gurney in the ambulance, a sheet drapped over the person inside. The firefighters, the ambulance crew, the police -no one was rushing. A car was bent all out of shape nearby. I looked back at the man, still glaring at me, still steaming because he was going to be late for work and I cost him one more car length. How could one miss how small a problem the traffic is in comparison to someone who just died 20 feet away from you?
Dwelling on the loss of your plan, and mourning the loss of the life you expected just wastes time. You have to deal with it. Figure out what your options are, make the best of what you got, and move on. It's the only answer. Ask someone who's been through real adversity (Christopher Reeve, Aron Ralston, Lance Armstrong) and they'll tell you the same thing. Whether it's a minor inconvenience like traffic, or a major life change like illness or divorce, you need to accept the reality that life can and will change on a dime, then you just have to move on.
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. -Joseph CampbellThis is an important lesson. In life, there is no telling what will happen in the next 5 minutes much less tomorrow, or a week/month/year from now. We all know that, but we fall into routines that lead us to believe that the future is predictable. And when we think that way, we begin to plan our futures out years, sometimes decades in advance. Then one day we get blindsided by something unexpected and it threatens those plans that we've made.
It could be a spouse's illness that eclipses your lifelong dream of all that you'd do when you retired together. Or, it could come much earlier when your spouse hands you divorce papers unexpectedly and the dream of raising a family together has to be given up because one of you has changed their mind. And life changing events happen outside of relationships too, of course. It can even be a positive change like winning the lottery that leads to plan changes -good or bad. We've all heard stories of the demise of lottery winners.
How many times have you muttered the words "you never know what tomorrow might bring", but do you actually live that way? The majority of us go to work each day dreaming of the weekend, the next vacation, retirement. But, there's no guarantee that the weekend will come or that you'll be able to enjoy it. The frustrating part is that we often can't really "live each day as if it were our last" because the reality is that we must work for the money to provide both our basic needs, our comforts, recreation, etc.
So what do we do? Well, finding work that you love would be the ideal, but I'm still working on this. In the meantime the plan is not to plan too far ahead; make the best out your free time and when adversity comes along, accept it. In fact, plan on it. The alternative makes us blind to reality and causes us to miss things while we sort out where our plan went wrong -while we ponder "why me?"
An example -The other day on my way to work traffic was much worse than usual. We all crept along until we saw the flashing lights ahead and everyone in the left lane knew they had to merge right to get around the mess ahead. I put on my turn signal and looked in the rearview mirror in preparation to merge and saw the guy in the right lane (behind me) speed up to block my way. I was close to the end of my lane, so I had to continue slowly edging into the lane, forcing him to slow down or get hit. When I got into the right lane I looked behind me and saw the man punch his dashboard and shake his fist, screaming at me and (I assume) the traffic, the fact that he was going to be late for work, etc. -Then we passed the accident. I looked over at a gurney in the ambulance, a sheet drapped over the person inside. The firefighters, the ambulance crew, the police -no one was rushing. A car was bent all out of shape nearby. I looked back at the man, still glaring at me, still steaming because he was going to be late for work and I cost him one more car length. How could one miss how small a problem the traffic is in comparison to someone who just died 20 feet away from you?
Dwelling on the loss of your plan, and mourning the loss of the life you expected just wastes time. You have to deal with it. Figure out what your options are, make the best of what you got, and move on. It's the only answer. Ask someone who's been through real adversity (Christopher Reeve, Aron Ralston, Lance Armstrong) and they'll tell you the same thing. Whether it's a minor inconvenience like traffic, or a major life change like illness or divorce, you need to accept the reality that life can and will change on a dime, then you just have to move on.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Dad's stroke, a review.
This may be helpful to others going through something similar:
On June 8, 2005 my Dad had a stroke in the left side of his brain. It was not a hemorrhage (or a bleed in the brain), but an ischaemic stroke (blockage). The symptoms were slurred speech, confusion, and weakness on the right side. Prior to this he was brought to the hospital with similar symptoms, although more mild, and since they subsided before they got in to see a doctor, he was released. No one ever mentioned that these little episodes could have been transient ischemic attacks (or TIAs).
Lesson #1: If you have any stroke-like symptoms no matter how short-lived or mild, demand that they are looked into. Getting on medication early can prevent a stroke that will most likely cause brain damage!
The day of the stroke and the day after it my Dad was still having trouble with his speech. With some effort he could get a few words out and a short phrase here and there. His right side was weak, but he was able to feed himself and walk just fine (he'd stray to the right a little when he walked, though).
The day after the stroke my Dad was scheduled for an MRI and a swallow test, but both tests kept being delayed. The hospital had not allowed him any food or water in over 24 hours and my Dad started getting very angry. By noon he was shaking his fist at my Mom and saying "never again". As time went on he got more and more angry. Eventually they did the swallow test brought him some food, but it didn't help. He was still very angry and he began throwing things. Security had to be called. It was obvious that my Mom was getting the brunt of his anger, so she had to go wait down the hall while they tried to get him to take a tranquilizer.
The tranquilizer didn't help. He was pacing and my Mom was frantic. My Dad wanted to go home, and nothing we could do could convince him to stay. We begged the staff at the hospital to keep him, but since he was determined to be of sound mind, he was allowed to sign himself out. We asked the staff and his doctor what to do if he was to get violent, seeing how angry he was, but no one had any answers for us. So, we brought my Dad home.
Throughout this day (the day after the stroke) my Dad's speech grew more and more garbled. At the end of the day and for the next 3 months (so far) he hasn't been able to get any words out unless they're automatic responses like "Hi" when he sees me or 4 letter words when he drops something -stuff like that. The doctors say that after a stroke the brain swells, and it takes up to 6 months for the swelling to go down, so it can be awhile before you see the stroke victim regain speech, movement, etc. The movement on his right side grew worse in the days after the stroke as well. A couple days after it he was unable to eat using his right hand. Now, 3 months later he's able to again and he has good stregth in his arm and leg as well, but he's not 100% yet.
Lesson #2: Expect things to get worse before they get better.
Months later we're still having our ups and downs, but we're learning to ride out the bad times in anticipation of the good times to come. They always do. It's just a matter of time.
On June 8, 2005 my Dad had a stroke in the left side of his brain. It was not a hemorrhage (or a bleed in the brain), but an ischaemic stroke (blockage). The symptoms were slurred speech, confusion, and weakness on the right side. Prior to this he was brought to the hospital with similar symptoms, although more mild, and since they subsided before they got in to see a doctor, he was released. No one ever mentioned that these little episodes could have been transient ischemic attacks (or TIAs).
Lesson #1: If you have any stroke-like symptoms no matter how short-lived or mild, demand that they are looked into. Getting on medication early can prevent a stroke that will most likely cause brain damage!
The day of the stroke and the day after it my Dad was still having trouble with his speech. With some effort he could get a few words out and a short phrase here and there. His right side was weak, but he was able to feed himself and walk just fine (he'd stray to the right a little when he walked, though).
The day after the stroke my Dad was scheduled for an MRI and a swallow test, but both tests kept being delayed. The hospital had not allowed him any food or water in over 24 hours and my Dad started getting very angry. By noon he was shaking his fist at my Mom and saying "never again". As time went on he got more and more angry. Eventually they did the swallow test brought him some food, but it didn't help. He was still very angry and he began throwing things. Security had to be called. It was obvious that my Mom was getting the brunt of his anger, so she had to go wait down the hall while they tried to get him to take a tranquilizer.
The tranquilizer didn't help. He was pacing and my Mom was frantic. My Dad wanted to go home, and nothing we could do could convince him to stay. We begged the staff at the hospital to keep him, but since he was determined to be of sound mind, he was allowed to sign himself out. We asked the staff and his doctor what to do if he was to get violent, seeing how angry he was, but no one had any answers for us. So, we brought my Dad home.
Throughout this day (the day after the stroke) my Dad's speech grew more and more garbled. At the end of the day and for the next 3 months (so far) he hasn't been able to get any words out unless they're automatic responses like "Hi" when he sees me or 4 letter words when he drops something -stuff like that. The doctors say that after a stroke the brain swells, and it takes up to 6 months for the swelling to go down, so it can be awhile before you see the stroke victim regain speech, movement, etc. The movement on his right side grew worse in the days after the stroke as well. A couple days after it he was unable to eat using his right hand. Now, 3 months later he's able to again and he has good stregth in his arm and leg as well, but he's not 100% yet.
Lesson #2: Expect things to get worse before they get better.
Months later we're still having our ups and downs, but we're learning to ride out the bad times in anticipation of the good times to come. They always do. It's just a matter of time.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Vitamins and Minerals as Sleeping Pills?
I've always had problems getting to sleep and/or staying asleep and I've tried: routines, reading before bed, cutting out caffiene, not exercising before bed, etc. Those all helped me fall asleep faster, but they didn't help me stay asleep -I'd still wake up in the middle of the night, and not be able to go back to sleep.
Well, I read an article a few months ago about the effect of minerals on sleep. Calcium, it said, helps you get to sleep. This is why the old folk wisdom says to drink warm milk. But, too much Calcium can make you have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom because the calcium settles in your bladder and makes you feel like you have to go. To fix this you need more Magnesium so that your body can absorb the Calcium.
Magnesium provides the brain with energy. Too much magnesium, and you wake up in the middle of the night and you can't get back to sleep. (My problem.) The answer, again, is to balance the Calcium/Magnesium ratio. Either cut down on the Magnesium, or increase the Calcium.
In researching "B vitamins" I found that Niacin is also a sleep inducer. It's supposed to be calming.
So, I put all this together, and I've been taking the following before bed for over a month now:
Well, I read an article a few months ago about the effect of minerals on sleep. Calcium, it said, helps you get to sleep. This is why the old folk wisdom says to drink warm milk. But, too much Calcium can make you have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom because the calcium settles in your bladder and makes you feel like you have to go. To fix this you need more Magnesium so that your body can absorb the Calcium.
Magnesium provides the brain with energy. Too much magnesium, and you wake up in the middle of the night and you can't get back to sleep. (My problem.) The answer, again, is to balance the Calcium/Magnesium ratio. Either cut down on the Magnesium, or increase the Calcium.
In researching "B vitamins" I found that Niacin is also a sleep inducer. It's supposed to be calming.
So, I put all this together, and I've been taking the following before bed for over a month now:
- 250mg Magnesium (as Magnesium Oxide)
- 315mg Calcium Citrate (+200IU Vitamin D to help absorbtion)
- 500mg Flush Free Niacin (as inositol hexanicotinate + 42mg Calcium Carbonate)
Friday, May 27, 2005
Looking for a book to read?
A friend of ours reminded me of a really cool book that I read a long time ago. It's called "The Long Walk" by Stephen King, writing as Richard Bachman. If you're a fan of odd fiction and haven't read it, you should pick it up.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Breaking News: Sit-ups won't flatten your tummy!
Well, Spring's here and everyone's a-buzz about diet and exercise. Now's the time that we pay the price for all those cookies and treats we shoved into our mouths while our sweaters hid the growing bulge. The bulge has been revealed, and now's the time to start talking about doing something about it...
I've been in an enormous number of discussions with co-workers and other acquaintences about starting a diet and exercise routine. It seems a twice yearly event: first comes New Year's and our resolutions after making pigs of ourselves over the holidays. Then, the stores start putting out the swimsuits and we remember why we were going to start the diet in January. There's no time now! Ahhh!!! The only way to save face is to recognize the problem and start talking to people about the fact that you're going to take action... Tomorrow.
I know it's easier to talk then to do it... My real aggravation is the fact that I've heard, at least three times now, people say "I've got to start doing sit-ups. I have to loose this tummy/gut".
If you want to bulk up your biceps, what do you do? You do arm curls! -What's different about your stomach? Nothing. If you do 100 sit-ups a day, you'll only succeed in "bulking up" your stomach, it definitely won't help you get rid of the fat there. It just doesn't work that way!
Fat lives all over your body, and it's actually nomadic. The fat cells release themselves from your thighs, travel through your bloodstream (in case you need them for energy), and then re-deposit themselves in, say, your stomach ('cause you're just sitting there). So, exercising one part of the body will not reduce the fat in that one area alone. In fact, strength-training exercises like sit-ups and arm curls don't do much to reduce your body fat (at least not in the short-term). Your best bet for loosing fat is aerobic exercise (running, jogging, speed-walking, riding a bike, rollerblading, etc -and you don't get the full benefit of the exercise until you at LEAST 15 to 20 minutes into it). See, aerobic exercise allows you to use up those fat cells that are floating around in your bloodstream and they won't continuously get re-deposited. After 15 or 20 minutes, your body starts relealizing that you might actually keep going, so it starts releasing more fat cells into the bloodstream so you have the energy to continue. You burn more fat as a result.
Now, if you can't do aerobic exercise -there's still hope. Strength-training exercises (again, sit-ups and the like) do help you burn some fat while you do them (but not nearly as much), and they help you burn more fat when you're at rest (just to keep that extra muscle alive). But, if you stop exercising, that muscle will be re-absorbed by your body, and guess what'll replace it?
Anyway, that's your primer on exercise...
Go forth and talk about running instead of about doing sit-ups.
I've been in an enormous number of discussions with co-workers and other acquaintences about starting a diet and exercise routine. It seems a twice yearly event: first comes New Year's and our resolutions after making pigs of ourselves over the holidays. Then, the stores start putting out the swimsuits and we remember why we were going to start the diet in January. There's no time now! Ahhh!!! The only way to save face is to recognize the problem and start talking to people about the fact that you're going to take action... Tomorrow.
I know it's easier to talk then to do it... My real aggravation is the fact that I've heard, at least three times now, people say "I've got to start doing sit-ups. I have to loose this tummy/gut".
If you want to bulk up your biceps, what do you do? You do arm curls! -What's different about your stomach? Nothing. If you do 100 sit-ups a day, you'll only succeed in "bulking up" your stomach, it definitely won't help you get rid of the fat there. It just doesn't work that way!
Fat lives all over your body, and it's actually nomadic. The fat cells release themselves from your thighs, travel through your bloodstream (in case you need them for energy), and then re-deposit themselves in, say, your stomach ('cause you're just sitting there). So, exercising one part of the body will not reduce the fat in that one area alone. In fact, strength-training exercises like sit-ups and arm curls don't do much to reduce your body fat (at least not in the short-term). Your best bet for loosing fat is aerobic exercise (running, jogging, speed-walking, riding a bike, rollerblading, etc -and you don't get the full benefit of the exercise until you at LEAST 15 to 20 minutes into it). See, aerobic exercise allows you to use up those fat cells that are floating around in your bloodstream and they won't continuously get re-deposited. After 15 or 20 minutes, your body starts relealizing that you might actually keep going, so it starts releasing more fat cells into the bloodstream so you have the energy to continue. You burn more fat as a result.
Now, if you can't do aerobic exercise -there's still hope. Strength-training exercises (again, sit-ups and the like) do help you burn some fat while you do them (but not nearly as much), and they help you burn more fat when you're at rest (just to keep that extra muscle alive). But, if you stop exercising, that muscle will be re-absorbed by your body, and guess what'll replace it?
Anyway, that's your primer on exercise...
Go forth and talk about running instead of about doing sit-ups.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Stop Complaining About Dell's Tech Support!
I got through Christmas, but here's a taste of what I have to put up with.
Cousin Jan: "Erica, you know computers. What kind should I get?"
Me: "Uh, don't know. What will you be doing with it?"
Cousin Jan: "Just writing resume's, going on the internet."
Me: "Okay. No high-end games or anything like that?"
Cousin Jan: "No. No, I just need something simple. Cheap."
Me: "Okay, well you can get just about anything then. Check out Dell, they're good. As long as you've heard of the brand you're usually okay."
Then everyone jumps in and starts talking about the bad experiences that they, their co-worker, or their dog had with Dell tech support.
Cousin Frank: "Yeah, every time I call them up I get some dot-head on the phone. I ask over and over for someone who speaks english, but I guess they can't understand me so I just hang up."
Cousin Debbie: "I've called them several times and when I hear that accent I ask for someone who speaks english. They're usually very suprised, but I don't give up until someone who speaks english comes to talk to me."
I agree, it can be frustrating, but I call Dell tech support all the time as part of my job, and although I have to ask them to repeat themselves once in awhile, I've gotten my issue resolved 95% of the time. There have been times, yes, when the issue wasn't resolved or took much more effort on my part than it should have. For instance, once, I called about a bad power supply, and the tech told me to "open it up and see if there are any loose wires". I about hit the floor. I assume he thought I was calling the computer itself a "power supply", but if I had "opened up" the REAL power supply I could have easily electrocuted myself! But, this is one problem in several hundred phone calls in my carreer.
See, the real problem (if there is one) lies with you -the consumer. Everyone wants as good a computer as they can get for as cheap as they can get it. No matter who you pick these days, you're tech support will be outsourced overseas because any computer company that doesn't do that can't compete anymore. So shut up! You've got that extra $100 in your pocket -here's where you pay for it (with time). If you want better support, but still want a cheap computer check your local (or smaller chain) computer stores. There's a chain by us (Microcenter) who had a computer, monitor, and printer combo on sale for $350 right before Christmas. Even Dell can't beat that! The only downside might be that you'll have to bring the computer in for repair, you may not get phone support (or it might not be 24 hour), and if they go out of business before your warranty is up you're out of luck.
Remember: Treat people the way you'd like to be treated. Why resort to hate? (Do you know a second language well enough to work tech support for another country?)
Cousin Jan: "Erica, you know computers. What kind should I get?"
Me: "Uh, don't know. What will you be doing with it?"
Cousin Jan: "Just writing resume's, going on the internet."
Me: "Okay. No high-end games or anything like that?"
Cousin Jan: "No. No, I just need something simple. Cheap."
Me: "Okay, well you can get just about anything then. Check out Dell, they're good. As long as you've heard of the brand you're usually okay."
Then everyone jumps in and starts talking about the bad experiences that they, their co-worker, or their dog had with Dell tech support.
Cousin Frank: "Yeah, every time I call them up I get some dot-head on the phone. I ask over and over for someone who speaks english, but I guess they can't understand me so I just hang up."
Cousin Debbie: "I've called them several times and when I hear that accent I ask for someone who speaks english. They're usually very suprised, but I don't give up until someone who speaks english comes to talk to me."
I agree, it can be frustrating, but I call Dell tech support all the time as part of my job, and although I have to ask them to repeat themselves once in awhile, I've gotten my issue resolved 95% of the time. There have been times, yes, when the issue wasn't resolved or took much more effort on my part than it should have. For instance, once, I called about a bad power supply, and the tech told me to "open it up and see if there are any loose wires". I about hit the floor. I assume he thought I was calling the computer itself a "power supply", but if I had "opened up" the REAL power supply I could have easily electrocuted myself! But, this is one problem in several hundred phone calls in my carreer.
See, the real problem (if there is one) lies with you -the consumer. Everyone wants as good a computer as they can get for as cheap as they can get it. No matter who you pick these days, you're tech support will be outsourced overseas because any computer company that doesn't do that can't compete anymore. So shut up! You've got that extra $100 in your pocket -here's where you pay for it (with time). If you want better support, but still want a cheap computer check your local (or smaller chain) computer stores. There's a chain by us (Microcenter) who had a computer, monitor, and printer combo on sale for $350 right before Christmas. Even Dell can't beat that! The only downside might be that you'll have to bring the computer in for repair, you may not get phone support (or it might not be 24 hour), and if they go out of business before your warranty is up you're out of luck.
Remember: Treat people the way you'd like to be treated. Why resort to hate? (Do you know a second language well enough to work tech support for another country?)
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
The meaning of life.
I was driving along this morning and all of a sudden it hit me. I mean, I wasn't really thinking about it or anything, but boom! Enlightenment! The meaning of life -it was so simple... I understand now why it's so elusive.
It's right there, look... In the dictionary! The meaning of life! -I know, you probably don't believe me, it sounds so simple, but look! Wait, you're on the internet... It's even easier, pull up http://www.dictionary.com (great site) and look for yourself.
Not enough? Okay, I'll break it down for you. The simple answer is this -life is a biological process. That's it. For humans it's a beating heart, the process of breathing... That's all life is. Simple? Boring? It's supposed to be!
Life is the base. The rest is up to you!
It's right there, look... In the dictionary! The meaning of life! -I know, you probably don't believe me, it sounds so simple, but look! Wait, you're on the internet... It's even easier, pull up http://www.dictionary.com (great site) and look for yourself.
Not enough? Okay, I'll break it down for you. The simple answer is this -life is a biological process. That's it. For humans it's a beating heart, the process of breathing... That's all life is. Simple? Boring? It's supposed to be!
Life is the base. The rest is up to you!
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Expectations
I found this essay on the internet. It's about what it's like raising a child who has Down Syndrom, although the publisher pointed out that it could be about raising a child with any disability. Here's the essay, the pertinence to my life will follow...
<<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>>
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability -- to try to help people who have not shared the unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this:
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip -- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. Michelangelo's "David." The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?" you say. "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plans. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. You must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
<<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>>
I've been noticing lately that the source of most of the depression and anger in my life is expectation. I set myself up for failure by expecting the driver in front of me to realize that I'm in a hurry, and let me pass. Or I expect other people to go out of their way to keep me on my diet. I even go to stores expecting them to sell the shirt that I have pictured in my head. It all adds up to a lot of frustration. By eliminating expectation, or at least recognizing that the expectations are unrealistic (not expecting my expectations to be fulfilled?) I can lead a happier, more relaxed life. Or at least that's the plan. We'll see how it works out...
<<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>>
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability -- to try to help people who have not shared the unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this:
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip -- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. Michelangelo's "David." The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?" you say. "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plans. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. You must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
<<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>>
I've been noticing lately that the source of most of the depression and anger in my life is expectation. I set myself up for failure by expecting the driver in front of me to realize that I'm in a hurry, and let me pass. Or I expect other people to go out of their way to keep me on my diet. I even go to stores expecting them to sell the shirt that I have pictured in my head. It all adds up to a lot of frustration. By eliminating expectation, or at least recognizing that the expectations are unrealistic (not expecting my expectations to be fulfilled?) I can lead a happier, more relaxed life. Or at least that's the plan. We'll see how it works out...
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